Journey to Realization
by Bao Li Na
Summary: Li Shang learns that his dreams of glory in the battlefield may not be enough.


**Disclaimer:** This story was written for entertainment purposes. No profit is being made. Mulan, Shang, Chi Fu, The emperor, etc. belong to Disney. Only those not appearing in the movies belong to me.

**Warning:** This story is dark compared to "happily every after." If this displeases you, I advise you not to read it.

On the other hand, if you have an open mind about things, constructive criticism is always welcome.

Without further ado, I present to you the first chapter of …

**Journey to Realization**

** Chapter 1: The Most Loyal of All**

The stench of burning flesh and pouring blood filled their surroundings. The fierce roars and battle cries echoed in the silent aftermath. Li Shang had ordered his men to pile up the remains of their fallen comrades in arms.

His most loyal soldier was assigned the task of counting the deceased, and it seemed she was done.

Mulan handed him the scroll which he took as he gratefully tilted his head forward. His eyes widened and narrowed almost instantly. The sudden turn of events had ruined his methodical strategies and led him into losing three quarters of his men.

Hesitantly, she tried to place her palm on his shoulder, in a vain attempt to provide some comfort, but as her fingertips brushed the fabric covering his arms, she drew her hand back fearing his unwelcome reaction.

After what seemed like an eternity, the young general turned to her and ordered coldly, "Tell Ren Shu to lead the men into the nearest village."

"Aren´t you coming?"

"No," the answer came out bluntly. He did not have the mood to give her explanations. "And you must join them as well." He added, a menacing expression aging his youthful features.

She nodded silently and left his side to abide his commands. He needed to be alone to process and reflect upon his mistakes.

He walked along the trail of corpses trying with all his might not to look at their faces. He had been assigned to lead them into victory, and he had failed each one of them.

Some of his surviving men crossed his path, but he just looked ahead trying to isolate himself from everything and everyone. At last, he found himself standing on the edge of a cliff and sank to his knees helplessly. Anguish. Anger. Deception. Frustration. Remorse. He had the weight of the whole country upon him. His mind traveled back to the day his father bestowed his hopes on him naming him captain. Had he known this would happen, he certainly would not have relied on him. He thought about the emperor as well. The kindly son of heaven had declared he had his full trust on him. How would he face him now?

So many lives gone in a short matter of time, and yet, he the son of the legendary general Li was alive wondering why.

Alive to face the guilt and disappointment.

Li Shang drew his sword out of its scabbard and aimed it to his navel wondering why the heavens thought him more deserving of a life. He had no heirs. He was not bound to his siblings. Both his parents were dead. He had no wife to go home to. He had no one, except for… _her_.

"Shang!" the unmistakable female voice called out made him turn all of a sudden.

She caught up with him. "What are you…?"

She strode quickly before him and grabbed the hilt of his sword in an attempt to pull it away from him. Nevertheless, his grip was strong.

"I told you to GO AWAY!" he hollered aiming the weapon defensively toward her.

For a moment she stood there in shock. But then she managed to force him to drop the sword by stepping to the opposite side of him as to dodge the blade, then she used her arm across his that held the sword and gripping his wrist she forced him to aim into the open air.

As he tried to free himself he pushed his elbow against her chest sending her to the ground. She did not loosen the grip on him and brought him down with her.

"JUST LEAVE! I really don't want to hurt you." He held her shoulder firmly.

She panted trying to recover herself and consider her next move. "I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU DO THIS!" she declared placing her arms beneath his, "If you want to be a COWARD," she paused, "then you'll have to kill me first." She delivered a bold kick into his stomach with the help of her knee. It was enough of a distraction that allowed her to shift herself on top of him. Her face collapsed against the armor of his chest. He circled her waist with his arm and rolled on his back claiming once again the upper position. His head was clouded by the close contact with her body. He no longer knew what he was fighting for. Li Shang grabbed both her wrists firmly and forced them down each side of her face. For a moment their eyes locked and it seemed they could read each other's thoughts: the memory of a few weeks earlier when they shared a moment of forbidden intimacy. He saw the crimson red flush coloring her cheeks, her eyes were the mirror of his reflection. He shut his eyes in shame, the familiar stirring of emotions within him. He had wanted her before. He had claimed her his own once, when he took her virtue. She struggled beneath him and wrapped one leg around his back, involuntarily brought er hip against his and the bittersweet memory of that movement made him shudder.

"Mulan," he began with in his usual commanding voice. "Just …" his voice softened to a whisper, "let it be." His eyes pleading. "I have failed my troops. I don't deserve to live."

"Shang, please listen to me. This is not your fault. These things just …happen."

He released her wrists and leaned on his palms with his arms stretched to each side of her.

"You will mend things, one way or another…just be patient."

His teardrop fell upon her cheek. She took the liberty of stroking his cheek tenderly.

"The men who survived need someone to rely on. They can't have a fallen General. I can't have you…"she bit her lip to avoid getting personal. "The emperor and your men believe in you,…I believe in you and I know you are meant for greater things."

"We should leave. It's getting dark." he finally moved away from her and got on feet.

He offered his hand to help her up and she accepted his gesture.


End file.
